ravenworks

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Man. Today just... I barely remember it. It was just a huge, sweaty, muggy haze, I think my brain shut down. Anyway, in the few hours of lucidity I had before my inner monologue became slurred, I wrote this post :P

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OK, time to remember everything I wanted to write down on my way stumbling around the house this morning. Seriously, where the hell are brain-top computers, sitting down and opening a piece of plastic is too much effort D:

I figured out how to have all my comics stored up on the bus, for one thing; I open them in tabs, let them all load, then shut my lappy and put it in my bag X3; Duuuuuh. The most obvious answers are always the slowest to come, eh? ;)

I was sure there was more. XP Maybe it's significant that I can't remember any of it :P

Ah, right :x I'm starting to think I shouldn't have posted publically about the whole Play Symphony thing. Now when I think about it, it's like "hey, everyone's watching you now! Don't disappoint them, don't screw it up!" It's mainly just when I think about calling off the trip -- which might not be a bad idea, because here's this whole convoluted covert thing to allow me to stay alone in a strange city and try and find my way to a concert, and take some eight-hour bus ride both ways... do I really want to be in the same building as Nobuo Uematsu that badly..? Obviously being in the same building as Jonathan would be nice too.. :P But it might be better to just wait until we aren't just trying to spend time together in the spare fifteen minutes his parents aren't expecting him home and stuff x_x I know I'm not going to get anywhere wimping out of stuff, but this is a long trip for an awkward stay in a huge city for a concert I'd just LIKE to see, and a chance to see someone I've been wanting to see again, but for like fifteen minutes. I dunno. I know I'm passing up the experience of a lifetime; I just don't know whether it's the good kind, or the stressful harrowing and disappointing kind. Man, I REALLY don't need to be unloading this all over everyone else. What I wouldn't give to know how ordinary people do that thing they do... y'know.. living without taking a committee consultation on everything? :P

I'm always apologizing for being such a milquetoast and so indecisive... maybe if I just accepted it instead, I'd be better-off; if I just said "hey world, I'm a wimp, quit trying to make me act otherwise", then I could come to terms with it and start facing the causes (instead of just trying to push my way through it, which has met with notable but only partial success). I dunno, it took me a long time to get as 'together' as I am (seriously, you should've seen me before) and I dunno if it would be a good idea to go back on all that just because I think I might have done it wrong?

I wonder what's happened lately to make me so moody. I haven't been this bad my whole life, have I? Just these past couple of months or so.. I guess I'm feeling guilty for not going back to school in the fall. I think my parents are like "I can't believe Andrew's going to be the one who DOESN'T go to university", but how long have I been employable-but-stuck-in-school for? Maybe I should just get out and work for a while. If I find out I'd rather have some more math or advanced programming under my belt, then I can take some university courses, but man, I wanna take my chances before my chances pass me by. But, as evidenced by feeling sorry for asking the talking man in the the theater to please keep quiet, even being certain of my decision doesn't make me feel any better about it if I know it's not what someone else wanted. (There's a whole subset of problems along those lines in my life right now.) The really frustrating thing is how I'm going through a bunch of changes right now, and I simply don't know whether my mood is a result of not liking my new conditions, or just not liking that they've changed! I'm basically electing to go with the theory that my moodiness will pass as I get used to things... let's hope that's the case, and that I'm not just getting myself used to my life being a way I don't like ;P

Anyway, I think this post's been as useful as it can be. Time to roll today's problems under tomorrow's carpet, and spend a while pretending to be productive. :P

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